Last night was the highly anticipated return of the Real Housewives of New Jersey… I laughed, I cried, I begged God for a Milania spin off.
We pick up this season learning that not much has changed with Joe Gorga since his first appearance in 2011, same outrageous sex drive and uncomfortable but slightly hot sleazy pick up lines for Melissa. I hope one day someone loves me half as much as Joe Gorga loves Joe Gorga. (PS shout out to Bravo for the nude Joe scene!)
When Melissa receives her strangely handwritten note from Teresa and makes a “ghost writer” joke my heart nearly sank. I thought we were going to repeat the #RHONY ghost writer saga and have another unoriginal Housewives plot line (cc: #RHOC Brook’s cancer turns into #RHOBH munchausen debacle). Thank God the Jersey girls know how to bring it and this is far from the case and I can already tell we are in for a hella entertaining season.
WTF is up with Jacqueline channeling her inner Red Dress emoji girl in her intro slides?? Six seasons later and I still don’t know how to feel about Jacqueline. Hoping this season will give me some sort of clarity and stance. Stay tuned.
I won’t lie, it takes both Vicki Gunvalson and myself equal amounts of time to warm up to a new Housewife. I don’t trust their intentions and I don’t like change. I knew right off the bat I was going to take a while for me, Siggy and Dolores. If we learned anything from last seasons #RHONJ we learned “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”. All we need in this life of sin is the OG Jersey crew. Take away your delusional twins, take away your manly Amber and please stop adding new Housewives!!! IF IT AIN’T FUCKING BROKE, BRAVO DON’T TRY TO FIX IT!!
I’m trying to stay optimistic and have faith in the holy network, but the jury is still out on Siggy and Dolores. I truly thought Siggy was going to be a major kook this season – but showing up to a lunch post face life with your bandages on is incredible and is giving me hope. Ordering a lobster bisque with a straw? Legendary. #ladieswholunch
The highlight of Dolores’ being on screen was when she reminded us we can all be a little Taylor Swift crazy “So the other day, I’m sitting on the front porch with a box of donuts, here Jacqueline comes by and she’s like Dolores’ this is your ex fiancés’ house and you don’t belong her anymore” The image of this brought me back to so many psyco nights sitting on the steps of my ex-boyfriends frat house post Fireball with literally no regrets or dignity. So much stalker status and so much relate-ability. I can’t help but feel a need to know more… what kind of donuts was she eating? Did her ex find out? Is he going to find out for the first time on national television? I need more info on this stat.
It turns out Jacqueline’s daughter has made a return to Jersey and we have to sincerely take a moment and send her kudos for getting her life together and not becoming a porn star/instagram whore…(cc: Lynn Curtain’s daughters #RHOC)
We then get our first glimpse into life of the First Family. Sorry… I mean we got a glimpse into life at the Giudice house. Bravo, Andy Cohen, you know I love you more than I love my unborn first child, but what the fuck were you thinking not having a spin off of the Giudice’s the entire time Teresa was gone? Literally 45 seconds into watching this family and I’m more amused then I was the entire last season of #RHOBH. Milania has got to be one of the top Bravolebrities we have. I cannot get enough!!!
Next we have Jacqueline and Christopher’s holiday party. Say what you want about Jersey Housewives’ but no one is more honest about their financial issues than these girls. The Laurita’s party was pretty much a “we’re poor” coming out party. (Don’t get me wrong, I still would have sold my soul to be invited.) “BYOS…Bring your own shit!” My new life motto.
The party also brings us debatably the best thing Dolores’ is going to bring to this season… Her son…. That is until Bravo hits us with the heartbreaking “Frankie, 17”. Frankie… HMU next year.
The moment we have all been waiting for… TERESA IS HOME!! So. Many. Tears. Seeing Teresa reunite with Joe and the girls was heart warming, heart breaking and literally everything in between. But seeing Teresa’s mini reunion with her poor caged pup really set off the water works. I couldn’t imagine being away from my family for a year but being away from my dog would really do me in. Honestly though – she looks more beautiful coming home from jail then I typically do when I whole heartedly put my best effort in. I would consider doing some hard time if it means coming out with the body Teresa now has. But then she drops the damn line “I haven’t had vegetables in so long, I want vegetables”. Mark my words right this minute- if I ever go away to jail, my first stop on the way home will be Shake Shack, Five guys and/or McDonalds. Save your vegetables and get me a McDouble and cheese fry STAT. These are the things I will truly miss. But then again I guess this is why Teresa looks the way she does and well… you know.
The “This Season on #RHONJ” gave me the most feelings. The flash backs from this episode alone were enough to fuel me for at least a month. I cannot thank Bravo enough for giving me a reason to wake up every Sunday morning.