Recently, our favorite #RKOBH announced they would not be returning for a 4th season. I’m not sure where I am going to be in life without Morgan’s sassiness and Jonny’s dancing, but I’m confident this isn’t the last we are going to hear and see of these Rich Kids. #hopeful
Throughout the past two years and four seasons we have learned so much about how to lead the best life and #dothemost from the squad of Morgan, Brendan, Dorothy, Jonny, EJ and Roxy (RIP). Here are the most important lessons of life, brought to you by the Rich Kids of Beverly Hills:
- How to not be “that girl” on a night out: “Never be carb-less before a night of drinking because you will regret that in the morning so much you will want to kill yourself. When you don’t eat dinner you’re the girl that’s either puking on the side or the girl that’s screaming for everyone to go to the drive through when everyone else is still trying to party. Neither of those are a good look.”
Preach preach preach preach preach! Nothing ruins a night more than a puker. Girls, none of your friends want to stand in the bathroom at a bar or club while you puke. YES we all want to put our skinnest self first on a night out, but please, for the love of God, eat before you drink, you’ll thank yourself later, and so will your friends.
- How to stalk like you belong in the FBI: “Instagram has made stalking so easy. If you’re really trying to figure out where this mother fucker is you do Instagram, Facebook, unless he does a Four Square check in, Snapchat, Twitter. And you check for other people’s mentions of them. Also check the geotag of places to see if they’re in the background.
Is there anything better than a public social media page? It’s important to know everything about those who you surround yourself with, and there is no truer self than your internet self. You can learn so so much about someone through their Twitter and Instragrams. Have no shame in your stalking game, and don’t hesitate to bring in backup when really needed.
- How to eat like a Rich Kid: “We never eat sushi on a Sunday. Fish markets are closed on Sunday. Only ranky bitches eat ranky fish.”
Some people have claimed that the #RichKid’s were stupid in the past – but this is one of the most thought through statements. Think about where your food is coming from, and unless you’re looking for a quick food poising fix- avoid that ranky stuff.
- How to dress properly, part A: “Pool party rules: it requires a non-wedge or heel. You’re at a pool. A flat open toe sandal. A flip flop even. A haviana!”
At all cost, avoid looking like you tried too hard. Wearing a wedge at a pool party is something you come across far too often, and is rarely necessary. Pool parties are all about being relaxed, and your wedge makes you look desperato.
- How to dress properly, part B: “Must have for traveling across the country: a lot of Xanax. Don’t ever wear a heel on a flight. Don’t be that girl. Not chic.”
First of all, I won’t overlook the necessity for Xanax on a long flight. Just be aware of when you take it and when it will wear off. Don’t be passed out in the airport preflight – and don’t be overly drowsy and out of it when you land. Secondly, proper airport shoe selection is always a flat, a flip flop, or my personal fav, a sneak. I know everyone says “Every day is a fashion show” but you’re going on a flight. A heel is never comfortable, and again, you look ridiculous and desperate.
- How to get the perfect selfie: “Your tongue should never be out in a photo. No fingers in the mouth. Not overly *loose and ditzy looking*”
What’s wrong with a basic smile? Keep your tongue in your mouth and look like a normal fucking human. And on that note – calm it with the constant duck lips. You’re not Gigi Hadid, you’re not a model, you look ridiculous. Throw a full blown teeth out smile every once and a while, and you won’t regret it 10 years down the road.
- How to yacht (or boat, for the less fortunate) appropriately: “Do’s and don’ts of yachting. Don’t really call it yachting. Never get drunk at sea.”
The one exception I will give to this rule is on a cruise ship, they are big enough to get drunk on, and that’s pretty much the reason you go. Otherwise, keep the liquor under control. You’re going to feel like you’re on a boat for hours afterwards, so let’s try and keep the motion sickness to a minimum.
- How to go through a breakup like a pro: “don’t tweet about it, really really tacky. And don’t show up to their door. That is the worst thing you can do. Don’t log into their Instagram account.”
While we encourage going on their social media accounts during your relationship, once you break up you need to wash yourself clean. Avoid stalking for at least 3-4 weeks after a breakup, until you are emotionally stable to stalk and make fun of your past. In all seriousness – publically try to stay strong during a breakup, it’s emotional and embarrassing to be tweeting and showing how sad you are.
- How to not be an ass on Instagram: “When you go on an island beach vacation, you’re going to Instagram at least one or two scenic photos. For every selfie or one of yourself you have to throw in a few landscape photos. So people think your artsy and don’t think you’re vain.”
I don’t even think I can comment on this one because I have so many feelings. No one one’s to stare at just pictures of you. We get it, you think you look cute, you bought a new hat, awesome, stop rubbing in our faces how much fun you look like you’re having and post some scenic pictures. Share the vacation view wealth.
- How to stay interesting on a date: “If you’re talking about the weather on a date, you need to get up in a go okaaay.. I’m not trying to date the dopler 7000. You are not Al Roker sweetheart”
RT RT RT. If the most interesting thing you have to contribute is the weather, things are not going to work out. Major red flag. I can think of 5 things off the top of my head I would rather talk about than the weather. Unless you have some ground breaking story about the weather, it happens to be the most bland topic you can pick. Seriously.
- How to properly road trip: “It’s okay to eat junk food on a road trip because it doesn’t count. Nothing counts when you’re in transition to somewhere else. It’s like the floating gray zone.”
Half the reason why I choose to drive vs fly certain places is because I know I can justify the fast food. There are a few occasions when it is okay to sit in the same place and eat a fast food burger, or an entire bag of chips, and a road trips is one.
- How to Wedding Dress shop: “1: know your budget 2: know your body type. Body type is the most important. If you have huge huge boobs, that are hanging down to your stomach you should not be in a strapless top. You should have things that are going to hoist stuff up. Make sure everyone is cohesive on the big day.”
If you are lucky enough to make it this far, these are great rules for wedding dress shopping, if you’re like me, and know you are destined for at least 3 failed marriages in the far distance, aply these rules to every day shopping. Be conscious of your budget in respect to whoever is paying your bills, and be conscious of what is flattering in respect to whoever has to be around you. Girls with big tits just can’t go strapless, unless it is perfection. I personally have a little bit more to give and therefore look less than appealing in a skin tight bandage dress. I 100% am for woman’s confidence and I truly think you should wear what makes you feel best, but if you are constantly sucking it in or trying to hold up your dress, you aren’t going to be comfortable and people will notice. Put your best self forward.