While most people despise Monday’s, I thank God every week because that means we are blessed with a new episode of Vanderpump Rules.
This week’s episode opens with Tom and Ariana eating with her brother who has now moved in with them. Tom is clearly having a N*Sync inspired quarter life crisis with his 90s blonde streaked hair. Ariana on the other hand has some of the most beautiful hair I’ve ever seen, she clearly is the hair in the relationship. If I could put my hair in a bun and look half as good I don’t think I’d ever wash my hair. Wait, what?
Lala and her “$350 a month” Range Rover pulls up. Side note – if Range Rovers were really $350 to lease, wouldn’t more people do it? I know I would. Disclaimer: this assumption of judgmental disgust is coming from a girl who actually has no idea what the average car is to lease. Over the loud speaker they’re looking for the owner of a Volkswagen Passat – clearly DJ James Kennedy has gotten a job DJing at Fat Sal’s! Have no fear Los Angeles – DJ-JK is here for all of your announcement needs! Lala says maybe she should drive a Volkswagen so people won’t talk about her – but she still would be a hoe who sleeps with men to go on luxury vacations and is currently dating a married man, so maybe don’t get ahead of yourself there girl. She doesn’t think she owes anyone an explanation about her car – wait, so do you pay $350 a month or are you not going to offer an explanation? Lala exclaims “I’m sucking dick for more than a Range Rover honey!” Ok wait so just to confirm, you pay for your own Range Rover, but also owe no explanation of where the Range Rover is coming from BUT ALSO you admit you do suck dick for material goods? Can someone please clarify? Lala? Anyone? Honestly though – times are rough, if I could just suck a D for a quick $100K I’d consider it. So in all seriousness-how does this work? Does Lala have a pimp? Is there an app? Lala, please advise, I too am “all about that hustle.”
Finally DJ-JK’s barley legal girlfriend, Raquel is acknowledged. She’s been an elephant in my room this whole season, waiting for someone to bring up his fame-digging equally delusional counterpart. She’s coming to visit and gets the honor of staying in his amazing studio apartment! I wonder if he’ll get her her own hover board so she too can answer the door in style. For the life of me I cannot wrap my head around the thought of how he actually thinks he lives in a cool apartment and that this space is adding to his (non-existent) swag. Aren’t you George fucking Michael’s god son? And you can’t find anywhere better to live then with an old stoner in a partitioned mattress on the floor? Self-awareness is so important and is seriously lacking with this dumb fuck.
The Fat Sal’s crew can’t imagine how anyone would have sex with James in that pathetic apartment – meanwhile half of America is left wondering how anyone can have sex with James period. Even Lala says she can’t imagine “bumping peepees with her man” in this apartment. Lala confuses the SHIT out of me. She’s mature enough to suck a quick dick to get ahead, but she can’t use the word penis? Also, THIS is where you draw the line? A crappy partitioned apartment? Good to know. The fact that you wouldn’t have sex in a shitty apartment but would in basically any other location doesn’t at all support people’s theories about you! Tom says they should use the bathroom, which is small, but if you can have sex on a plane you can have it anywhere. Lala is truly shocked that Sandoval has had sex on a commercial airplane, but I guess she just needs to remember that not all of us are able to whore ourselves out just to fly private. (Not me though – I’d take a P to get a chance to fly on a PJ.)
Holy shit – James has decided to “decorate” his apartment for his girlfriend’s arrival. Clearly James is too frail and can’t even blow up a fucking balloon to its full extent. Obviously he would rather spend his vocal energy at the DJ booth then something valuable. This is the most pathetic display of decorations but of course Rocky and Bullwinkle eats it up. Raquel is doing her “senior year” up in Sonoma and is an aspiring beauty queen. They met at Pump on New Year’s Eve, but don’t worry she’s in it for love and not an ounce of fame. James says he “played a little Beyoncé and got himself a girlfriend”. Did DJ-JK just admit he just plays music instead of actually DJing? Clearly James and Lala need to work on keeping their
lies stories straight.
Raquel apparently wants to help kids with special needs – and James says this is an upgrade from Kristen “who is special needs”. James – how low are you planning on going this season? Comparing your ex to someone with special needs? She too upgraded – to Carter, a classy man who would never make jokes about special needs, so I guess you both won. All jokes aside, go fuck yourself for this one.
DJ-JK and Bullwinkle are talking about how some people don’t like him – and Raquel can’t figure out why! Has she not seen the show? Does she live under a rock? Does she not listen when he fucking speaks? James states “I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again – people are jealous of me!” to which Raquel responds “You’re pursuing your dreams, if that’s upsetting people, just brush it off”. How the fuck did these two find each other? Did both their Tinder bios read “looking for a partner to live in my own version of reality with me?”
I remember when Brittany came onto the show as Jax’s girlfriend and I was like nah fam there is no way this chick hasn’t googled Jax or watched the show. She’s clearly in this for a lil bit of fame. Then I watched her for about .2 seconds and realized she was one of the most genuine and real people out there. I watched DJ-JK’s girlfriend for .2 seconds and realized the exact opposite.
Now we get a break from the above morons and go to Stassi, Kristen and Katie having a gal’s lunch. Kristen tells Katie how Scheana was upset by her comments at the housewarming party. They keep throwing around lines like how Scheana needs to fall in line and if she agrees with them and cuts of Lala they won’t have an issue. A lot of people on social media have been accusing them of having a gang mentality – and honestly, I kind of agree. They really don’t like when their friends have different opinions than them, but I would join their gang any day of the fucking week.
While the trio is at lunch, Brittany and Scheana are at work rollin’ up the good old silverware. Classic Sur. Lala comes over to talk to Scheana and she shuts her down saying they aren’t friends and she doesn’t want to talk to her. Poor Brittany is so fucking cute. She’s just there to do her job and roll silverware and needs these petty bitches to get the fuck out of her Zen space. This shit would have never happened at Hooters.
Lisa arrives at Sur and Diana pulls her aside to talk about DJ-JK’s drunken antics. Diana is a BOSS ass bitch who doesn’t stand for anyone’s BS. She wants to know how long Lisa is going to tolerate James’ shit. Tell her to suck a dick, you’re fired. Show up drunk, you’re fired. Oh wait – Lisa needs “definitive evidence” that the bus boy turned DJ was actually drinking or being disruptive at work. Lisa are you fucking kidding me. Lisa is literally that girl who hears her boyfriend is cheating from 15 people but won’t believe it until she actually sees him penetrate another girl. Isn’t that why she has managers at her restaurant? To tell her what the fuck is going on when she’s not there? Jesus Lisa, bring in another secret diner that specializes in DJ etiquette. Hang around for 15 minutes and you’ll get your penetration. I don’t know why Lisa has such a soft spot for James, but if it doesn’t end soon Jax and I are going to have to take James to the back alley and teach him a damn lesson.
We finally see the ultimate breath of fresh air that is Tom Schwartz. As a mature adult who has slight commitment issues (aka me, minus the mature part), Tom goes to therapy. He is literally so adorable. He walks into therapy and is talking in his low, raspy podcast/phone sex voice. Swooooon. He says he feels wrong talking shit about his wife-to-be in therapy – Tom that is literally what therapy is, and it’ll save your marriage. If I didn’t go to therapy and talk shit about literally everyone I come in contact with, I would be a much more angry and violent person. Not even my local barista is safe when I walk into that room. He says when Katie goes off the handle it “kills the Schwartz”. WE CANNOT HAVE THIS. PLEASE KATIE DON’T KILL THE SCHWARTZ.
He wishes he could give her an ultimatum – stop drinking so much or he won’t marry her – like the ultimatum she gave him, but he doesn’t because he doesn’t have the balls. I think it’s because TRUE LOVE EXISTS in the form of Tom and Katie. Seriously, if anyone loves me half as much as Tom loves Katie, I’ll be fulfilled.
Lisa walks into Sur and behind the bar Jax goes from stirring some drinks to stirring up some shit. He tells Lisa that Lala and Scheana “went at it”. He smugly tells her he doesn’t want fighting or drama going on, he’s just letting her know. Jax is every Real World cast member who says “I hate drama” then gets cast on the most dramatic TV show there is.
Scheana comes over and summarizes the fight – “Lala walked in and said hey girls how was your weekend?”. Look – I’m not a Lala supporter. I think what she did to Katie was horrible and from what I’ve seen I think she is lacking a moral compass and general self-awareness – BUT this was a little ridiculous. I mean, y’all work together and you’re going to throw a tiff over her asking how your weekend was. Just say “good” and move on. But I guess Scheana is in a damned if you do, damned if you don’t position. She really is her own person who speaks her mind so I’m kind of bothered that the editing is making her seem like she is just following what people are telling her to do, but she keeps saying to keep watching, so I’m putting my trust in Bravo and Scheana!
Next we go to Katie and Tom’s apartment. Katie is literally everything I aspire to be, sitting on her couch talking to her dog and playing with a coloring book while drinking wine. Seriously, have I said how much this couple is goals? Tom comes home and asks if she’s drunk. “I did have some glasses of wine at lunch with the girls, but that doesn’t count”- I’m gonna pocked this line and use it next time my boss asks if I’ve been drinking after I take an “extended lunch”. My heart breaks as Katie and Tom fight over what went down at his therapy session. He says when she goes to the dark side it scares him. Honestly – Scheana and Tom think they’ve been recent victims of Tequila Katie – and as the flashbacks show – she is NOTHING LIKE THAT! When Tequila Katie used to strike no one and no topic was safe. I literally don’t even think she was drunk at her housewarming party or any of these times they are referencing. She obviously is never going to go back to season 2 Tequila Katie and we can all be thankful for that! She’s now Good Time Gal Katie – let her live!
Back at Sur DJ-JK is headlining the hottest night of the week – Wednesday! Some blonde buys him a shot and we’re graced with flashbacks from 6 hours prior to James’ crushing beers, despite Lisa telling him to not drink before work. (Hey Lisa – is this evidence definitive enough for you?) James shows he’s literally learned nothing from Stassi and the girls hiding their wine in the bathroom and simply ducks under DJ booth to take his shot. Learn from your elders!
Brittany comes over to the bar with her adorable cheat sheet of the wine list. I wonder how happy Lisa is to finally have a server who cares. Cue the newest Sur hostess- GG. GG walks over to the bar and conveniently tells the biggest gossip at Sur (a title he claims with pride) that her and James hooked up a few months back and she now feels uneasy to work Wednesday’s with him since he’s been going around calling her a whore. The real kicker here is they hooked up in April and he’s been madly in love with Rocky and Bullwinkle since New Year’s – uh oh! Trouble in paradise!
Lala comes over to the DJ booth and James asks if she “likes his swag tonight”. James you’re an emaciated creature rocking a Wet Seal scarf. The only swag you’re sporting is the same of a 13 year old girl. Calm the fuck down. She says she’s heard rumors he’s been hooking up with other chicks, including the hostess. James goes “what the blonde one?” GG is brunette. James – are you trying to make us believe TWO girls at Sur have recently hooked up with you? Bet your girlfriends glad to see this. He says he wouldn’t touch GG with a ten foot pole and that he’s currently driving an Aston Martin and why would he go to a Honda? First of all – James, comparing females to a car is not only degrading but something Jax did last season, so if you’re going to be an ass at least be an original one. Secondly, GG is actually beautiful so you would be BLESSED to touch her. Third – she actually resembles your girlfriend (who for the record, is no Aston Martin) so please get your fucking eyes checked. The best part of the conversation is when he simply states “Me and Raquel love each other. Come at me”. True love.
Per usual, James and Jax go at it and the only thing I took from this interaction is James refers to himself as a “rock star”- goodbye world renowned DJ, hello rock star!
James confronts GG in the middle of Sur and calls her a whore, etc. How can anyone see the way that James speaks to women and still want to interact with him?? Lala you get mad at the girls for calling you a whore but it’s okay for James to scream this at GG’s place of work?? You’re trash Kennedy.
Diana pulls Lisa outside to tell her about James’ drunken antics. Lisa states “Sometimes I walk in and things are copasetic, and other times James is being an asshole”. I think what she means is “sometimes I walk in and things are copasetic, and other times James is working”. James is brought in, blatantly intoxicated – I wonder if this will finally be enough definitive evidence for Lisa? Probably not. James proceeds to explain the situation and call the girls “petty bitches” and claim they are “thirsty, thirsty girls who want a drink and he can’t provide water for them”. The pettiest bitch in this situation is divinely the she-man who was screaming at girls and the only drink I’m looking for when I’m around James Kennedy is a very strong absinthe and soda.
Doing what any normal human would do when in a confrontation with their boss when they are in the wrong, James accuses Lisa of buying into what everyone else is saying and frankly, he doesn’t appreciate it. Someone needs to give this boy a big spanking. She throws back at him that he isn’t Calvin Harris and to talk to her respectfully. Mic drop, Lisa.
Tom meets Ariana in the alley and asks her to be a groomsman, ass-steaks and all. I wonder if these are fresh ass-steaks or if they’re from the same batch he made for Tom and Jax. Ariana is a guys girl so she eats the steaks like a true champ. Is it weird that Sandoval thinking Schwartz giving Ariana ass-steaks was funny makes me like them more as a couple? They’re so fucking cool.
Sandoval is cleaning up and James comes over and Sandoval tells him he just wants James to keep his job, James tells him not to worry – his job is kept. What a cocky mother fucker, someone please kick this kid in the nonexistent balls. James also proceeds to call himself the MVP of the group, sorry Jax. Did James literally just memorize Jax’s lines from past seasons or are we gonna see some originality this year? Jesus. They take a shot which Lisa sees. She gets mad but like it was kind of a pussy half ass shot so like calm down Vanderpump.
Like any true idiot, drunken DJ-JK follows Lisa and Ken out and starts yelling at them and swearing at them. What a way to handle your bosses! Ken stands up for Lisa, per usual. James insists he isn’t drunk, and I’m left debating what’s worse – that he’s drunk, or that he would own up to this behavior while sober. Ken’s pretty angry now which is always nice to see. It’s been a while since we’ve seen a truly angry Ken on RHOBH. James’ cries out “Lisa stop Ken’s gonna get mad at me!!” like the pansy he is. Ken calls him a little fucker (Praise) and says if he disrespects Lisa there’s gonna be a real problem. Damn. Some of the guys on this show should really take a page from Ken’s book on how to protect and stand up for you girl.
The next day James stop’s by Villa Rosa to basically salvage whatever he can of his relationship with Lisa. Deep down he knows without Pump or Sur, he won’t be DJing anywhere and he’ll have to go back to bussing tables at some basic WeHo restaurant. Lisa (finally) calls him a drunken asshole, fires him and tells him not to come to Sur or Pump. James doesn’t get it and thinks “indefinitely fired forever sounds crazy”. Well James, that’s fucking life. He once again calls GG a whore and calls Jax a wanker. Like, how deep is he going to dig this hole? Lisa suggests James gets sober and doesn’t touch a drink for the rest of his life, and for the first time I see James react to something the exact same way I would – crying.
Lisa tells James to leave and Jax is off somewhere also crying – tears of joy – and taking at least 15 shots.