Lately I’ve been carrying around this feeling I can’t describe any other way besides just general defeat. I can’t explain it, just like the world is kicking me repeatedly. You know those days when you’re just like when is this going to end, when do I get MY break?
I know I’m not where I want to be in many aspects of my life, but the eye opener that hit me the hardest? Friendships. Recently I’ve been feeling that all my friendships are so fucking one sided. I’m a decently good friend and honestly – in 85% of my friendships I don’t feel that’s reciprocated. My best friend is one of those people who is in a constant dramatic state. It’s ALWAYS all about her. Bible I have had moment’s where I’ve put the phone on mute for 10+ minutes, and she doesn’t even notice. She could talk about herself for hours. For the past 3+ months I don’t think I’ve heard the words “how are you?” come out of her mouth once. The real kicker was when she said “I’m surprised your doing so well lately, I would have thought you would be the one going through such a hard time”. She said this after I went through a major life change – and guess what? I wasn’t doing well. She just didn’t take a second out of her life to see how I was doing or notice that I wasn’t doing well. I’ve texted her after bad nights out when I wake up ridden with anxiety, and usually she doesn’t even acknowledge the text. One time she did and she said “It’s just anxiety. It’ll pass. I’m sure it wasn’t that bad”. Now yeah she was right – it was just anxiety, it did pass, and it wasn’t that bad. But that’s not what you say in that situation. And as someone who also suffers from anxiety, I can’t even imagine what she would do if I ever responded to her anxiety attacks with “it’s just anxiety, it’ll pass”. I know my friend is going through her own issues, hating her job, having family troubles, just at a crossroad where she is really lost, but at what point does the selfishness get to be too much? At what point can I say this is just too much?
Another one of my friends is almost the other end of the spectrum – always asking me about myself, listening to my problems. So what’s the problem here? I feel like she then throws my issues in my face. If I vent to her about a problem I’m having with another friend, and then spend time with that friend, she calls me fake. If I vent about an issue I’m having at work, and then I’m happy the next day, she’ll remind me about the issues and make me feel guilty. I’ve gotten to the point where I just don’t even feel like I want to let my guard down and tell some people things in fear it’ll bite me in the ass.
It takes a lot for me to be vulnerable – to really be honest about my feelings and fears, and I feel like my relationships lately have made me put up even bigger walls then before. I can’t shake this feeling that people a) just flat out don’t give a shit. or b) that people don’t genuinely give a shit. That everyone doesn’t have a motive. UGH.
How do you shake these feelings? Have you ever had a moment of clarity where you feeling that you need to revaluate all your friendships? That you’re the only one who cares? Am I totally in my own head about this all?!! Sound off in the comments.