Open Letters · Reality TV · Relationships · The Bachelorette

An Open Letter to… Dean Unglert


Dearest Dean. Deanie. Deanie Baby. My Love.

It’s been a week and a half since Rachel sent you home on The Bachelorette and I’ve yet to get over it. Seeing you get hurt like that literally crushed me. For the past 9 days I’ve walked around mourning the loss on my television. I know that I’ve only known you for a few short weeks, but I feel like I’ve known you forever. And this, this is real.

Look D, I have a confession to make. When I first saw you on After The Final Rose, it wasn’t love at first sight. (But then again, is love at first sight ever the real real?) I’d like to think my judgement was clouded by my anger that they were starting The Bachelorette early, or maybe because I just had to sit through 2 hours of Nick Viall’s fucking face – but whose to know. Maybe it was because you declared “I’m ready to go black, and I’m never going back” and subconsciously my heart knew that one day, I’d sit here, desperately hoping you’d be going back – right into my arms.

When the season started, my feelings for you grew as quickly as yours did for Peter. And for two hours a week, my heart was full. I know you get self conscious when people compliment your teeth, so I won’t go there. I won’t mention how your smile is like a bright light in this dark world. Or how perfect you look when something makes you truly happy and those perfect pearly whites appear. Or how every time you smile it feels like I’m watching a true miracle arise. But, I love you, so I won’t mention it.

I’m sure you’re left wondering when I knew you were the one for me.  It wasn’t when I found out you store your gum behind your ear, or that you too have no problem swallowing your gum. It wasn’t even when you wore your jock strap on the outside of your basketball uniform. Well my Deanie Baby, it was when I found out we have a mutual love. Something that truly brings people together – Hot Cheeto’s. Hearing you talk about Hot Cheeto’s is like hearing a new mother talk about her new baby. Heartfelt. Genuine. Caring. I love a man with a passion – but a passion for Cheetos?! Take me now! I can’t wait to one day sit by the fire with our 15 grandchildren and tell them how a spicy, orange stick bursting with flavor brought us together.

I know the biggest topic surrounding you this season was your family. But guess what? I’m here for it. I’m down with the mung beans. I love a gong! Plus, my family will automatically love you – the only requirement my mother has in my future baby daddy is in fact a small, strained family. The thought of giving me up for holidays quite literally tears her apart, so no worries there. Nervous about bringing a girl home again? Not sure what to do for the holidays? Don’t give it another thought – our holiday plans are booked for the next 50+ years, problem solved!

I can’t wait to see you in your shitless glory in Paradise in a few short weeks – though if you even think about kissing/falling in love with/talking to/breathing the same air as another girl – I’ll find you. and I’ll kill you.

So Dean, MY Dean, My little lover. Let’s stop kidding ourselves. Let’s stop fighting fate and let destiny fall into place. Let’s meet up under the stars in Venice Beach, share a bag of hot Cheeto’s while I stare into your beautiful eyes, run my hands through your luscious hair, and see where this love takes us.

Lots of Love,

The Future Mrs. Unglert









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